Thursday, November 19, 2020
Gotta Wonder Sometimes, If You Keep Digging For Grace, At The Bottom, Is There A Giant Box Of Irony?
Wednesday, November 18, 2020
When I was a child (
I thought as a child no no no no!!), I was sad and reluctant to use things that required batteries because I knew the batteries would run out of energy and that I couldn't afford to get new ones. Same with magic markers, soon they'd run out of magic and then they couldn't be used to make fanciful pictures with loop de loops to a better place, real or imaginary (in some childhoods it really fucking doesn't matter).
Stream of consciousness prose (from last year) 🤢:
The Whiskey Buddha:Sometimes you drink the bitterness to make the sweet taste better,There’s no BS in my blood.There’s unrelenting lightThere’s the arc of a madmanThere’s the edge of the momentAs only the moment knows.There’s blistering demandTo the Demian pathTo the things that shatter comfortAnd ring the silenced bellsThere’s no pageant with a permit,My sandwich board don’t have no neon lights.There’s demandThere’s demandThere’s demandTo take the pain for the gold,To paint pictures with loops and curls,To admonish the mirror,To the appointment with the stone.
The box in the hall is gone,It's tangled in the earth.And the price that it takes to love,Is set by the cost of the hurt.You followed the road to yourself,To its appointed end,You never looked backTo the things that might have been.The light from nothingIs always there when you're down.And your light from nothing will be hereWhen you're gone.
Friday, September 25, 2020
I think I am on the brink of this ^ title tonight. Why fight it? You know your truth and forever is a mighty long time -- and this is something I very much learned in my Minneapolis days. And your truth might be the truth but proving it would take eternal energy and all I've got for you (or all you've got for me) is what remains for tonight. I can't even find Lorna Doone's in Seattle anymore, so, what does that mean? Don't be a Capricorn in December? I think it all goes back to the moment. If you want a good moment, spend it with me. If you want a bad moment, spend it with me. I'm both sides of the yin and yang -- it makes it hard when you are betting on the Sunday Night Football game. I've had to stare into some exceptionally challenging things in life and there's zero reward for this. I mean, you may win a game of pool along the way, tell a joke where someone laughs, write a blog post that gets 2+ hits, but where's truth? Where's belonging? I used to believe in sacred shit until someone told me that sacred is just a word that someone invented. On the other hand, I do believe in rivers and Steller's Jays and moments that were meant to be -- and the aggregation of moments, they are the defining pillars of my life. "Save my life I'm going down for the last time" -- I heard that once buying a $1.25 schooner of beer. I was dumb enough believe it.
Tuesday, September 1, 2020
Sparkly-Rainbow, I get it now, all the colors jammed into one, but that's not enough so you gotta add sparkles to it. Which, inside joke to my non-readers, I still keep promising that I am going to write about sparklers and don't do it. Today at least, we got as close as sparkly and that's going to have to suffice. Sparkly-rainbow represents my emotional state for the past month, all the feelings jammed into one and then add sparkles, 'cause shit, once you are on the roller coaster, make it higher, make it lower, put the cars on backward, let's go. This isn't a bad thing. Well, it is if you are trying to go all Fortune-500 and hide from vulnerabilities and make some sort of impression that can be indelibly printed on a CV. I don't know, we have all these societal ills that could simply solved by real, deep dialogue but then when someone genuinely opens his/her mouth everyone else in the room freaks out and points the collective finger of shame. Everyone is just trying to figure it out, are we not able to give everyone her/his/their grace? And, while I can see the upside to social media, I think social media has really buried truth so far into the ground, it's never coming back. Everything's got to be perfect for now and evermore. Marketing was genius 1950 - 2000 and now marketing is just an insidious presence that no one has any grip on. Ouch! I need to catch myself. This whole post was supposed to be about how old school y'all can't all be wrong was an unfortunate arrogant take about falling into depression and how new school y'all can't all be wrong is a transcendence of that state of mind -- and, it generally has been, but then that first "paragraph" just happened. Maybe the new blog version is just sparkly-rainbow, a preschooler's definition of karma.
I can find joy in that today is September 1st, which could be just a day or could be any date. Or, I can attach meaning to it. It's up to me, and that's the point. Gotta find joy in your environment because when you do, your environment finds joy in you.
Wednesday, August 19, 2020
Friday, August 14, 2020
The Original Title Of This Post Was "Freedom At Point Zero" But No, Delays, Always Delays! Why Delays?
Well, I wrote the "Hillary Wins!" narrative and then Trump fucking won the election. Then what to do? Only so many bottles of rosé that you can consume and that's just a path to emptiness; empty bottle, empty soul and I want neither of those things. I wanna listen to the Steller’s* jays tell me their stories on a river's edge because maybe someday I'll get a 'C' or a 'V' in my title but the only fulfillment I need is a great piece of music, an awesome stereo, and well, maybe just me alone, but a coterie of music freaks, intellectual junkies, and spirits who can dance with words, I want them in my heart too. Writing exhausted again because I like writing exhausted, I like metal on metal. If you are looking for liberation, try all 4 parts of Lou Reed's Metal Machine Music on repeat, then get back to me and we will compare notes (I may be writing to Metal Machine Music right now). Truthfully, just bail out of Metal Machine Music, it's bad advice and it will lead to nothing good. Freedom at point zero is never far away, live your life in truth and with integrity, maybe pick up some Hesse influence along the way, and always fight the good fight because a clear conscience is requisite for transformation and transcendence. Sure, grab a six pack of Pabst (every now and then), put on Lou Reed's Rock 'n' Roll Animal, and grab a hold of stuff when's it right in front of you, because, you know, and I will just say it, when it gets too far away, it's too far away. Rock on Milwaukee (and any other city that you may reside in!)
Sunday, August 9, 2020
Grace is the greatest word ever invented. I learned the word, likely in my Catholic days, but like everything religion, I was just praying to god that we could skip the 2nd and 4th verses and just get home to watch football. Some families say it before dinner too, but I never really thought about what it means. It's like the word sudden, everyone says it, and everyone is fucking convinced that you cannot talk about part of a sudden, but no one really knows what sudden means. I currently have grace metaphorically wrapped around my left wrist in the form of a silver metal bracelet that my sister gave to me when I was in high school. The bracelet is a constant reminder that I've come a long way. I used to never take it off and then hubris said it's OK not to wear it and not wearing it led to sameness and catastrophe. I don't think I'll ever take it off now. People say don't be superstitious and/or believe in the small things that seem to point to fate -- and then you don't wear your lucky socks and then your sports team loses the big game and then you know it -- it was your fault! I'm going to wear my bracelet and my lucky socks!
Grace is hard, grace is like all the hard words: love, hate, anger, elation, betrayal, guilt, they're all easy when you are smoking your cigar, rejoicing on your front porch, drinking espresso and reviewing your brokerage accounts gains from the last decade. So easy to talk about those words when you are removed from them. There should be a law that you are not allowed to expound about grace unless you've been flattened and are in the middle of something where giving grace is the very last fucking thing you'd ever want to do. Someone said that "life sucks and then you die" but it's really "life's tough and then you die." I'm so utterly fascinated and challenged by grace because in some sense you can only learn grace by suffering and empathy and who really signs up for those things anymore? I also have no idea if I can even succeed. (I know I write cryptically, just protecting the innocent, but, god, tonight, I would so ❤️to name all the names). And, not once, but twice in my life I traded a million+ dollars for wisdom, so there's that and that's painful (and who does that?) and I don't even know if I can survive that. But, with grace, it's starts with yourself and you can inwardly examine and love and hurt and cry and then when you survive that, then you can direct it outward, and you're gonna get hurt, likely not permanently, but it will happen -- and, if you transcend, then you will know what it really means to give grace.
Monday, August 3, 2020
"how much more questionable is the accuracy of our thoughts when bad lands and we are breaking apart? How rooted in reality are our thoughts when we are in emotional upheaval, our stress levels are high, we are traumatized, or we are struggling with PTSD? When we get hijacked by the amygdala and we are deep in fight-or-flight mode, we will say or do almost anything to save ourselves."
Saturday, August 1, 2020
I engineered this hurricane of self-deception. I designed it. I was lost, and without any planning, I steered myself into a dead-end that forced me to choose to either be a coward or to wake up.
Tuesday, July 28, 2020
Saturday, July 25, 2020
Friday, July 24, 2020
"...don't change (too much)"
Tuesday, July 21, 2020
Friday, July 17, 2020
I don't think it's a particular quote from Demian this time, I mean, it could be and I can quote it upside down and inside out -- no, Demian stands alone! Demian is strength. It's elemental. Demian simultaneously builds and destroys, just depends which side of which you need. In that sense, Demian is balance. It's equilibrium, but it's brutal equilibrium because it's a really bright light on the soul -- there are no dark corners and it can cause vulnerability, perhaps even desperate vulnerability. But that's the point, it forces harmonic convergence, an inner-peace like none-other that rides just between the moment gone and the moment to arrive.
Thursday, July 16, 2020
Tuesday, July 14, 2020
Whatever's written in your heart, that's all that mattersYou'll find a way to say it all someday
You never wanted me to get too closeWe love and hate the ones we need the mostI tried to find a way to youOne thing I could say to you.Whatever's written in your heart, that's all that mattersYou'll find a way to say it all someday
Saturday, July 11, 2020
Sunday, June 28, 2020